NymPhaTic LoaD's LiveJournal Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
NymPhaTic LoaD

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hah! [Saturday 26 Apr 2008|03:00pm]
Dude, I have a job. I'm so cool. I'm actually making money. And it's all going to have to go to paying off my traffic tickets. And then pay driver's assessment or whatever and then reinstate my license. I'm supposed to do this by June 10th, which is my next court date. There really isn't any way I can make that much money. But I'm going to try. Yep. So we'll see.
K, bye.
4 skars|slash me

[Tuesday 17 Jul 2007|05:06pm]
BLAH
slash me

[Monday 21 May 2007|12:42pm]
[ mood | awake ]

Yeah. I got a new journal for my super secret (or super embarassing) stuff. If it is so secret than why do I put it online? I have no idea. Because I'm a moron. This one is for dumb stuff and the other one is for "feelings". Hah. I think I took to many herbal uppers. I'm bonkers. Why do I take them? Umm.... Cuz I'm always totally weak. They make me hot. Ick. I needed energy just to type. If I don't take them all I'm capable of is the viewing of the cable. Internet is boring now, I cannot download music. I'm scared that I'll get a virus from downloading the wrong thing. I need to start doing real things I guess. My teen soap operas are on in twelve minutes. I need some friends I guess. New furnace tomorrow and I gotta be here to whatever, be here I guess. I'm ticked because now I cannot be my normal dumbass self when he's here for the five hours or whatever. And I guess I gotta get dressed and not run around in my pajamas. Damn. Someone told me Cradle of Filth was coming... No their not. There's nothing good on the Harpo's webpage.
I have to go to Wal-Mart. I love Wal-Mart. I need two dolla first. I also have to work up the nerve to go to the 12 & 12 tonight. I can only write this dumb sh*t on here because you (whatever one person actually reads this) don't know who I am and I'm not face to face with you. But sometimes your comments hurt my feelings. I guess I'm starting to come to terms with the fact I'm a dork/nerd/loser whatever. Yeah.

3 skars|slash me

[Monday 07 May 2007|12:34pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Dear Aunt Sue,
1. Don't draw your own conclusion. You were wrong.
2. I DO know Christ.... and I am working on that relationship because it is ever-growing. I am a Christian. I'm not saying you should be perfect because of your religious beliefs, I'm just saying that the tone of your previous response was... I don't know... Not nice I'll say. It seemed that you think I'm just a hopeless junkie, and for you, who as you said yourself, does not know me that well, to say I cannot cut something. YOU cut it, so could I. You used to have a pretty close relationship with alcohol, now you are not a heavy drinker (as far as I know). Through Christ all things are possible. Including Ricki's Recovery. Yes, I still slip occasionally. But I'm better than I was...
I left the group home because they had given me the 8:30p curfew... most A.A. meeting start at 7:30-8:00p... They took away something that I feel is pretty damn important to my Recovery, so I made a rash decision and walked out. If I'm in a group home and I'm miserable, taking away what keeps me sober I knew it would be extremely difficult to stay clean. I walked... and things right now are so much better than if I were there right now. I'm grateful for my decision and I thank God all the time that he Blessed me and allowed me to be in my parent's home until I found something better... So yeah. I don't know. I guess I just hate when my family thinks of Junkie Ricki, not who I am today. It sucks.
Love,

Ricki

5 skars|slash me

[Sunday 06 May 2007|04:03pm]
[ mood | good ]

put in another job application. i really despise filling out those online applications and answering all those questions. i never know what they want to hear. oh well. i went to a meeting last night. it was good. i guess i should start going again.
yep.
did dishes, laundry. hmm. now what? oh- i gotta write my letters to my prison homies.
yeah.

this song is awesome. hah

slash me

To Dear Auntie Sue: [Saturday 05 May 2007|05:56pm]
Hmmm... Well... I just now read your comment that you posted April 28th. No, it didn't piss me off. I no longer let other people's uneducated opinions offend me. Because it's not true. I didn't leave my housing because of junk. I'm not currently strung out. Do you really believe I'm such a piece of shit that I would disrespect my parents as much as to use while in their house? I wouldn't. And the Army. Hell yeah I could cut it but they do not take people with a mental health history. For someone that is supposed to be such a good Christian, you sure are pretty judgemental. I'm not on a downward spiral. I have progressed so much. I'm better than I've been in... years probably. I know that, that's what matters. And I believe my father knows that as well.
If you are going to comment in my journal, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't say that kind of stuff, I'm trying to better myself and try to be less depressed and when a family member has not so nice things to say, I guess I'd just rather they say nothing at all. Thanks.
2 skars|slash me

[Saturday 05 May 2007|05:35pm]
[ mood | weird ]

I got my C.D.'s from Somerset, my BMG music club ones that I ordered assuming that I would never have to pay for them because I was getting evicted from the house, but I guess I am going to have to pay for them somehow. And they are even sending another C.D. there. A NIN one that I'm going to want so I'll have to go pick it up. I'll have to get the good staff to sneak it out to me on afternoon shift, or else rely on my case manager to go pick it up. Hahah. Yeah right, that's funny. I still cannot get a hold of my case manager to give him the paperwork for him and Dr. Bautista to fill out so I can get into the PATH program... Damn. I need them to get these papers!!!
I got the new Killswitch Engage Cd. I really love this band so much... It's like, beautiful metal. Love the lyrics so much.
turning our backs on those who need love
we must not rest while healing is needed
tear down the veil that bars your heart from feeling this
dedicate yourself
give your soul to compassion
with open arms embrace this heart
with open eyes behold the truth
embrace this life
so little time is left
we must be relentless is our pursuit of those in torment
tear down the veil that bars your heart from feeling this
can you reject yourself?
can you feel their agony?
in a world that feeds on disregard
heal the broken hearted.

yummy.
got new cradle of filth, another killswitch, bon jovi, type o negative. cool.
new music is awesome considering i can no longer rip shit offline. i have to stop "buying" c.d.'s i have no way of paying for. i'm addicted though. i mean come on, they send them before you have to pay for them! that's so not good for someone like me. and they still owe me like, fourteen free ones that i only have to pay shipping and handling on.
i wanna re-purchase the nymphetamine special album i once had my daddy buy me that fuck-stick stole from me when he robbed me of all my c.d.'s and my acoustic guitar Daddy gave me. :( i hate when i'm betrayed. eww.

1 skar|slash me

Help [Monday 30 Apr 2007|02:04pm]
[ mood | lethargic ]

Okay... I am computer illiterate and I need help...
I need to find a FREE (keyword) program that is safe that I can download MP3's from.
The 360Share thing won't work for me anymore.
Help. Please. Someone.

1 skar|slash me

[Sunday 29 Apr 2007|04:10pm]
[ mood | hot ]

I hate this picture I have on here, I don't know why I put it on considering there were so many better pictures taken that day... I mean, it's a good picture but I don't look good. My hair is ugly in it.
I've been outside shooting baskets and listening to the Who and the WRIF... Nice day. I'm totally roasting though. I don't know. I feel all right but I need more motivation. I'm useless without caffeine and a energy booster pill... I don't want to be dependent on them anymore but it's hard cuz I need something to counteract my Seroquel which I don't want to be on either but I cannot sleep without it. I'm totally dependent on it.
I haven't been hitting meetings, but I really should. They really do help. I just don't want to have to ask my Daddy to drop me off and pick me up every time I need to go. So yeah.
But the more I don't use, the better I feel... I know, duh, right? But to an addict we try to rationalize not responding to the "duh". But yeah. Home is all right. I have no reason to claim boredom because there really are a million things I could be doing, I just need to motivation and drive to do them... ENERGY!!!! That's what I'm craving, I really want to be able to accomplish everything I know I should as well as everything I want. And I'm out of Hydroxycut... Hah.

slash me

[Monday 23 Apr 2007|09:27pm]
[ mood | listless ]

Hello... I am at my parent's house right now... I left the program I was in about a week ago... SO... I've been staying here for now... Just for now though.... I have no idea what's going to happen later...
So I guess we'll see what happens... God, I hope everything works out for the best... I really do.

3 skars|slash me

[Tuesday 10 Apr 2007|02:34pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Hello... I'm at the Farmington Hills Library with Matthew... yay... Went to the Southfield Library and as always, all the computers were full... So I'm just hanging out with Matthew today, for the first time in a while so I'm happy...
I went up to OCC yesterday and finished my application and I have to take a placement test on Friday and then I'm all good to register... So I'm excited to finally start school... FINALLY.
Other than that nothing special... Same old stuff. I'm trying though... So I guess I'll see what happens... Trying my damndest to get out of this program and go home... I really really want to go back home really badly lately... I'm starting to get extremely depressed and I don't like it. I'm trying to improve my quality of life as best as I can but there is only so much that I can do. Getting a job in my area is turning out to be very difficult. Not even one callback. So I don't know so hopefully this Social Security thing is going to work out. At least for now so I can get some fundage. I need my license back and a p.o.s. car for now. And then I'll be all set and I really can do a lot, but until then I really don't know what else I can do. I'm trying to improve my family relationships but that is going to take a loooong time I'm sure. I don't know.
That's all.
Peace.
Mistress Rix

slash me

[Tuesday 03 Apr 2007|10:48am]
[ mood | discontent ]

Hmmm.... Well... Laptops suck and I hate them. I'm attempting to put in job applications and I cannot because the navigation crap bullshit thing... Oh well...
I'm watching a Nine Inch Nails concert on Direct TV and it is the one that I went and saw... Sweetness...
I'm so bloody discontent, yes, maliciously even... I now have an 8:30 curfew... Haha... Funny... The Type O Negative concert is on Saturday and I highly doubt I'll be able to go...
The only good things are my relationship with Daddy, my sponsor Cathy, and a bed to sleep away the depression.... I don't know though..
If I break ONE rule ONE time, come home at 8:31. They lock the door and I'm not allowed back in the house... AT ALL... I'm out for good, no notice necessary... I had to contract to that or my eviction notice would still stand and my 30-day is up on the 5th, in three days... Hmm... I don't think I'll be able to follow all the rules...

4/3/07
Well... To Be Continued but now I'm at the Southfield Library... Sweet... This is a really nice liberry... I like it...
Except for I don't think I'm allowed to check anything out from here...
I'm still missing a book from the Farmington Branch Library... I had Veronica drop me off here so I didn't have to go grocery shopping with her... Cuz I fucking hate grocery shopping... Yesterday I saw my friend Dan... That was awesome, I miss him so much. Went and shoot some pool with him and two other people I know. And for the first time ever I did my chore last night, LOL... I've never done my Monday night chore before... It was to sweep and mop. Yuck, I hate it... And our house is totally spider-infested. Nasty. I fucking hate spiders, no, I'm terrified of them... Throw a little HTML in there to make me feel like my brain hasn't completely rotted out of my skull from drugs... Woo hoo.
So yeah... I'm supposed to be looking up the Secretary of State and umm... some other shit, but I don't wanna... So I'm not gonna...
I don't know... Bored... So peace.

slash me

dammit [Saturday 20 Jan 2007|05:54pm]
[ mood | rushed ]

well i still cannot think of a screen name... i am retarded... i really do want to start over though and get a new livejournal.
so yeah... should i go to Sacred Heart in Memphis, MI on Tuesday??? Or should i meet with Recruiter Moses instead??? I told him about my misdemeaner and that doesn't matter... but I have to pay off my traffic tickets to enlist. So... When I was speaking to him last night, he called, he told me to stop worrying about it and that he was going to see what he could do about helping me to pay my tickets... so we'll see. I really really think that I want to do this... I really think it'd be so damn good for me... I mean, the pros outweigh the cons majorly... I am very worried that my past psychiatric history is going to fuck me though... There has gotta be a way around it... If anyone that reads this knows anything about this, please drop me a comment and let me know... I really know nothing about it, other than I get paid very well and I'll feel so good about myself... I'll, for the first time in a long time, feel like I am doing something productive and useful with my life... And I got nothing more to lose... I have lost everything already. So God I pray that I can enlist. I need this. I need this badly... And I told this to Recruiter Moses how important this was to me... So he said that he would do everything in his power to help me out... Yeah... So I don't know... It's weird, I hadn't considering enlisting in a few years, I was going to at the one point but I got scared of leaving my "friends" my "soulmate" and my "family"... well, all of those things are gone now and I live in a shit hole so I have to do something to feel okay about myself and this is perfect... I want to go to school so badly and this is my ticket... They will pay for it... I need the help and I just really feel that this'll make me learn self-esteem and self-respect and a sense of self-purpose...
Yeah... well the library is closing now, I got here with only like, 13 minutes to use the computer so bye bye now.
Wish me luck and prayers would help as well...

peace

4 skars|slash me

well... [Friday 19 Jan 2007|04:16pm]
[ mood | determined ]

So I haven't yet thought of a new screen name for myself... I don't want something stupid like deathlustr again. But I don't want something sappy and happy. I don't know. I have to find something that fits me. And I guess I don't know what kind of stuff/words fit me anymore.
So I guess I will write in this for today. So I attempted to fill out the applications to the jobs that people e-mailed me about because of my online resume and the links were broken, of course. I knew it had to be too good to be true for somebody to actually be interested in my resume.
My therapist told me when I went to see him on Thursday, yesterday, that I need a higher level of care/treatment because what I'm doing with him obviously isn't working. I'm backsliding I think he said. Not getting any better. And he should've either gotten me a higher level of care, or kicked me out of therapy a few months ago. But he didn't want to, he was giving me a chance to change and I blew it like I always do. PACE wouldn't do anything for me, big surprise. So I called up SEMCA (Wayne county's funding source) and they'll fund me to go to Sacred Heart for like, 21 days. I only have a co-pay of $1 per day and that ain't bad at all. I found out that they do not have an opening until Tuesday so I gotta wait. I'm scared, I don't wanna go but on the other hand I kinda do... I wish I could go today though... Things at the house aren't getting any better, once again I'm getting threats that they are going to move me to Southfield, to the licensed (::shudder::) home... I do not want to move any farther from my parents house and my sponsor and the few meetings that I actually don't mind attending.
I went to the Auto Show with my father on Wednesday and in the food court, the Army had a thing set up, people could climb a wall. Well, I didn't want to climb the wall but I did speak to a recruiter. A few years ago I was considering joining the Reserves because I thought it'd be the only way I could get myself to stay sober. I chickened out because they said I would have to do three months of boot camp and three months of job training. I couldn't fathom being gone from my parents and my love (Matthew at the time) for six months straight.
But now, I don't have any reason to stay around... I have nobody. Matthew, when I really know that I'm deeply in love with him, don't want me at all... He really wants the girl with herpes more... That is hurting me so badly... He claims to still want a friendship but it's so hard to be his friend because I want more and then he's blowing me off a lot to spend time with her... I cannot be his friend if he is seeing/dating/fucking someone other than me... It hurts me way too badly... He's breaking me heart, killing me. :( And I can't take it anymore...
My family doesn't want me to come home as much as I know it would benefit me and benefit them... I know I'd stay sober if they would just give me one chance... I can't take living in this SIP home much longer. I'm miserable, I hate it. And it is so difficult to try to accomplish the things I need to to get the hell out of here... I have transportation issues, access issues, my case manager doesn't help me do the things I ask/need his help with. I can't seem to find any kind of employment. Everywhere that I apply doesn't call me back, even for an interview... I have no source of income and that's getting hard as hell. I can't even afford cigarettes and I can't even imagine trying to quit that as well right now. I'm so stressed... I know this entry just sounds like a lot of bitching, whining, and complaining but it is just factual. I don't really think I'm "wallowing in self-pity" even though that is everyone else's opinion... I'm just telling it like it is. And it is shitty. I know, I know, I did this to myself and I have to take responsibilty for my own actions and believe me, I do... I don't make excuses or attempt to rationalize my behaviors. But I'm stuck in a rut, it's a vicious cycle and I cannot claw my way back out of this hole.
So I am online practicing the test the Army people give you to see if you first, are intelligent enough to qualify, and second, to see where you place and how much money they will offer you... The better you do on the test the more money they give you... I guess the average is around $15,000 for people that do pretty well on the test... It is a lot more difficult than I imagines, it's been a long ass time since I've been in school and my brain is slowly becoming mush. I have forgotten a lot of shit I learned and I'm no where near as intelligent as I once was. And that is a shitty realization in itself... I have always prided myself on my intelligence and to realize that it is slowly dissipating is extremely depressing... But oh well... I really wanted to start attending college this semester but I couldn't get financial aid in time... So I'm not learning anything. The one thing I wanted to do that I thought would give me enough of a sense of purpose to change and to stop shooting dope fell through. So I am still doing nothing with my life and my quality of life is very poor and I cannot accept that anymore. It is breaking my heart and all will, desire, hope, faith, blah blah blah, etc. is gone...
So hey, why not? Join the Army... You've got nothing to lose Rix... It'll get me money money money (which I'll never get any other way), pay for my college, make me feel good about myself, give me a sense of purpose, get in shape, learn a trade, etc etc... I can only think of good things about it... Yeah I think boot camp would be extremely tough for someone like me, but I could do it I think... Yeah, I don't want to have to eat beans everyday and break my body doing whatever it is that you do there... I should give it a shot... And it'll give me a sense of responsibility that I have no choice but to commit myself to... Once I sign the papers, there is no turning back... It's a responsibility that makes it absolutely unable for me to quit... Or I go to prison, right???
Hopefully I can qualify... I have to be able to pass a drug test, and it's not only a urine, but a blood test as well and drugs stay in your system a lot longer that way and I'm not sure how long that is at all... If I pass the drug test I'm good... He said my one petty misdemeanor would not disqualify me... I have heard though that if I am on any kind of psychiatric medication than I'm disqualified... And I heard that because of my psychiatric hospitalizations and my numerous stays in rehab I may be disqualified there as well but I heard that they are not as picky about people anymore because of Iraq, so hopefully I'll be able to find a loophole or something, get around it... I really hope so, pray for me... This is what is necessary for me to do... I gotta do it. I really gotta....
peace

2 skars|slash me

Gurgle gurgle [Friday 12 Jan 2007|04:01pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

okay... well i think that i am going to get a new live journal... one that doesn't have all this horrible stuff in it. start over fresh... hopefully i won't have to add anything to it besides good stuff... hopefully i'll stop screwing up.
i believe that this lusting for death chapter in my life needs to be over.
i just have to think of a new name for myself. it might take a while.
yeah.
still miserable.
life still sucks badly.
god help me.

1 skar|slash me

[Tuesday 19 Dec 2006|12:33pm]
This thing is fucking stupid... Dumb livejournal... I have no idea why I would continue to write in something like this... I don't talk to any of the people I once did... I went a different way than everyone else... I decided to become a junkie... and stay a junkie.... for six years... I chose my path... so why would I continue to leave open the past??? That's all this thing is... Past failings, past misery, past acquaintances...
I have now to choose whether I'm going to continue slowly committing suicide, or fucking do something about it instead of just fall further... there really isn't much further down I could go. Either way, leaving open my past isn't going to do me any good...
So now I'll either embrace the evil and forget everything I could/can be...
Or start over completely.
Who knows?
i really don't...
4 skars|slash me

We both want, to rape you [Wednesday 25 Oct 2006|10:02am]
[ mood | nervous ]

Steve just asked me what that means... in the song Opiate by Tool, he says:
My God's Will
Becomes me
When He speaks
He speaks through me
He has needs
Like I do
We both want to rape you

I am not sure what Maynard means by that either, so if anyone could enlighten me, I sure would appreciate it.
And dude, why is it still so difficult to download my Phil Collins???? :(
Okay. I screw up my job last week and I convince Mr. Matthews to give me a chance... And I did well for three days... On time. And I was supposed to be at work today at three p.m. And I was to work until close. I never showed up and of course I didn't call. I suck. And I'm supposed to be at work tomorrow at eight a.m. (that is if I still have a job after this no-call no-show... And it's six a.m. and I'm still awake. So ninety-nine percent chance I'm not going to work. I screwed up so badly this weekend... On Saturday I did a bundle of dope (12) and on Sunday I did ten packs... So I'm now dope-sick.
(dude, none of the songs I'm attempting to download are coming through-- sucky)
Yeah... So once you get to the point of being dopesick, it's almost impossible to just stop. I have Suboxone (thank God!) but still, it's hard to pop Suboxone if you think there is the slightest chance you'll be able to hit the hood. I'm losing everything and so fast, it's like I never stopped using in the first place, like the sixty days I had sober meant nothing... I'm so pissed at myself for letting it go this far. I honestly never thought that I would have to know what dopesick felt like again. And it hasn't changed, it is still the most horrid feeling in the world! My house manager said I can't be at the house "like this"... So I don't know if I'm going to lose my place to live, cuz I would have absolutely NO WHERE to go! I've screwed up the first job I really liked. I had to tell my father I fucked up, and that was hard, but he was totally there for me and he didn't turn his back on me and tell me he no longer wanted to speak to me. I had to admit to everyone in the A.A. Program I screwed up and that was humiliating... My case manager is being a total dick about it... But I haven't been told of any consequences yet (not like I'd abide by them anyway, but still). So I've been continuing to leave whenever I want and such, and since they haven't changed my PCP at all yet, I should technically be in by ten p.m. But I'm not in at all tonight. I admitted to Micah that I relapsed today... and that didn't go well at all. He said, "I don't even know what to say" and we just ended the conversation. I couldn't tell if he was disappointed in me, mad at me, or what... He said, "So what are you just going to move out and keep using?" And of course I said, "NO"... So I don't know if he is going to talk with me anymore and that sucks, so that is one major consequence of my relapse. I lose the guy that I have had a major crush on for over a year... And just finally when things are starting to go somewhere with him, I screw it up!!! We were making out and stuff and he invited me to his cabin, and now he hates me... Boo boo... I've been regretting telling him but I have to continue to tell myself that this is an honest Program and I have to be honest with everyone. And that included telling Micah I used... Yeah... If I had really wanted to be with Micah that badly, I would have not used at all. But I put using before anything and anybody... I stopped working my Program... And I'm such a HUGE HORRIBLE NASTY PIECE OF SHIT when I'm a strung-out, using junkie. So I have to work really hard at my Program... People say that if you just put like, fifty percent as much into Recovery as you did into your addiction, you'll easily stay sober... but that is so not true for me... I have to put just as much, if not more into my Recovery to stay sober because I was that bad of a junkie... I was unbelievably bad... Matthew told me that I was the worst junkie he's ever seen, and he's seen some pretty fucked up junkies... So I have to have Recovery/sobriety on the mind just as much as I had shooting dope on my mind... Yeah... But I think I can get it back but I need to get sober... And then I know that I can stay sober. So tomorrow (or in like, three hours actually) I'm going to try to call PACE and see if they'll do anything at all for me... and it's pretty likely that they'll say no fucking way girl... I've been through PACE like, a million times and I can't say that I've ever completed any program they've put me in... Now that might not be true, but I can't recall... And they are only supposed to fund people once a year. And I have heard that if you do not complete the program they put you in that they'll never fund you again, I've had friends of mine say that they had to sign a paper saying that. But I know that I've never signed a paper like that... But the last time I went through them was in February I think so who knows... I really hope that they'll at least be able to put me into a detox program for five days... Since I screwed off my job I figure rehab is the best thing for me, maybe even imperative to my sobriety... I didn't go to rehab this last time, I just detoxed at the house on Suboxone and that didn't last... Maybe I need that shit pounded in my head every day all day for 28 days again... I haven't forgotten it, but maybe I just need to hear it again, or just do the whole rehab scene again... It'll show willingness and commitment if I first of all, go to rehab, and second, if I'm able to complete the entire program... not leave a night early because I know I'm supposed to be discharged to next morning and what is spending one more night there... Hah...
God, please help me to get into treatment... Please help me save my life... Grant me willingness and honesty.. Relieve me of the obsession to use drugs. Please keep me clean and sober just for today... Please please, let this work out so I can get sober again... Once I get sober I will be able to stay sober, I know it. I just have to be able to get through the first two weeks and I'll be okay! Lord, guide me through this. Relieve me of the bondage of self, so I may better do Thy will. Take my will and my life and guide me in my Recovery, show me how to live a sober life... Help me to practice spiritual principles in all my affairs. Help me to get outside of myself and do Your will. Relieve me of self-centeredness. Help me to not be selfish and be able to accept it when things do not go my way. Help me to get back on the right path and help me to do the next right thing, Lord. Amen.

If I can't go through PACE, I'm going to try the dreaded Common Ground... One or the other just has to help me so I can save my life!!!! Please everyone pray for me that I can get sober... Please.... I don't wanna die. I wanna live.
Thy will be done

2 skars|slash me

[Tuesday 17 Oct 2006|05:50pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

Hay-low.... How goes it??? I'm all right I guess... This morning Vera woke me up because I had to go on a retard ride to take Gigi to school and then Vera actually took me out to breakfast... That was cool of her. Chocolate chip pancakes. Yummy. Then I went back to bed when I got home for a long while... I totally wish that I hadn't been sleeping though because Micah had called and when I finally spoke with him he said he was waiting at the McDonald's right by my house for forty-five minutes waiting for me to call him back. :( He told me that he wanted to take me to his cabin/cottage today... Yay... And I cannot believe I missed the opportunity to spend the day all alone with him!!!! That sucks a lot... And he said he's going to have his daughter all weekend...
Well, I called Walgreen's today... I had like, five no call no shows. But I thought I had to call Mr. Matthews and at least explain my absence. And I told him that I really valued the job and I liked it. So even though I was technically terminated, he's going to give me another shot. The problem wasn't me missing days, it was the lack of communication. So I have to give him some kind of proof I really went to the hospital so I hope that my half-ass doctor's note will work... I don't have to go in until Friday. So that's cool and since he had made the next schedule without me, he said he'll have to add me in and I won't have that many hours, which is cool because I haven't worked in over a year... So jumping in working eight hour days, and in a row was a little too much for me... So yeah this is awesome... I really do want this job. But I did tell him that if other people call in to call me because I only live one.point.three miles from Walgreen's. I can walk there in probably twenty minutes.
I'm at my Daddy's right now... I made another c.d. and I'm downloading some Sublime and Grateful Dead and I'm trying to download Phil Collins but I cannot get any to connect. :( Yay... Sublime rocks... I can't get this program to give me any George Michael either. Oh well... So yeah... Today has been okay... I got my job back, I got to see my dad, I made an amends to my house manager... The only crap thing is my case manager... I really am only allowed two hours of unsupervised time each day. And I have to let the staff know where I'm going, who I'm going with and what times... That's stuff I wouldn't even be able to be sure of before it happens... It's the dumbest rule... My case manager needs to start being realistic... The point of the program is to help the consumers become independent and he's making me less independent by taking away my freedom. I don't understand why I can't do what all the other clients do, which is they are able to leave whenever they want for however long they want as long as they are home by their curfews. They don't have to alert anyone about where they are going. Stupid stupid stupid. I'm trying be grateful for the positives of the program, but those are becoming slim. I have a roof over my head, which I'm grateful for, I can talk to the staff, they are interactive with the clients and I can talk to them about my "issues" a lot of the time. They SOMETIMES provide transportation. Yeah. I don't know.
I'm really bad about following rules I find retarded. It's going to be really difficult for me to abide by this two hour bullshit. What can you do in two hours? Not a damn thing! I need more time just to go to meetings and try to start learning how to live by hanging out with people in the good Program (AA). So if I want to attend an A.A. meeting say, at lunch time then I wouldn't be able to go out to dinner with someone later. It is going to be impossible for me to do all the things I need to do to be successful. Rob really needs to sit down with me and actually HEAR what I'm saying to him. He needs to realize that I'm not trying to pull one over on him just to get more free time. I just want to start living life like a normal person. And I really think that he should let me do what I gotta do as long as I'm home by curfew, do my chores, keep my room clean and drop clean. Give me a chance to be independent. Seriously. I don't think that I'm being irrational or asking too much at all! Ahh well.
I was supposed to have plans with Matthew today but he didn't call me until like, three p.m. We were supposed to get together to have a "serious conversation" about our future. He told me the day we hung out that he was still in love with me and that he wanted to be with me and I kinda feel the same way... I really do still love him. Hanging out with him the other day was just like how it used to be when we first fell in love. What Matthew and I have together is so irreplacable an special. I think that very very few couples will ever experience the amazing, true, unconditional love that Matt and I share. He is my soulmate... Many people never ever get the opportunity to meet their soulmates and I've shared six years of my life with him. :) We both want to be together, we just both want to be sure that we won't get our hearts broken again. But yeah, anyway. He wants to speak in person about this so we were supposed to do that today. Last night when Steve, Matthew, Stripper Bitch and I were together, it was very awkward and uncomfortable. S.B. told Matthew that he better kiss her in front of me. That was so hard to see. There was extreme jealousy flying around, it was heavy in the air. It sucked, it hurt. I don't wanna see him with some girl and he doesn't want to see me with some guy cuz Steve kept trying to comfort me through my distress by touching me in front of Matthew which only made my distress worse. Yeah. I don't know what to do but him seeing that slut every single day really hurts me. She's ALWAYS around him. If Matt and I were to get back together I would not be able to handle him continuing to see her. He has feelings for her and she is like, obsessed with him. And now I find out that they have been "making out" but he says that is it... but I don't know! I know Matt wouldn't tell me if it were more because he doesn't want to hurt me but... ugh... I don't know, man. I have to give this situation to God because I don't know what to do. I just don't want to be hurting emotionally. I don't need that shit right now. Matt'll be with whomever he wants to be with. So if it's me, then it's me. If he does choose her over me, then you know what, that is totally fine because she really is a piece of shit whore. And I'm not just saying that because I'm jealous but all the things he's told me about her really make me sick, and obviously Matthew has completely shitty self-esteem if he doesn't realize he is way too good for her and that he can have almost any girl that he wants. And then I have my crush on Micah. I'm so confused when it comes to men right now. I just don't know what is the best thing for me to do. I really have to pray on it. I just hope God'll give me some sort of way to know what I should do.
Should I try to rekindle an old flame?? That if it were relit, it would burn so fucking brightly it'd be blinding.
Should I attempt to start a new relationship? Where there are no bad experiences, no resentments, no using together? I just don't know if this guy wants to be something real with me.
Help me!!! I just want to make the right decision for myself and I don't want to hurt anybody.
God, help me to do the next right thing. Take my will and my life, show me how to live. Guide me in my Recovery, remove the obsession to use drugs from me today. Grant me strength, courage, honesty, love, and patience. Fill me with Your Spirit and help me to better do Your will. Amen

I'll be all right. I think I can do this. Just don't pick up, no matter what. I need to start attending meetings as much as I can, every day if possible. Junkie-Ricki is a really really bad junkie, so I have to do the exact opposite to stay sober. I have to hold on to the Program of AA like it is a fix. If I shot dope every day, I need to do something Recovery related every day. Or I'll never make it. And I've learned also that if I shut out God, I have absolutely NO chance of staying sober. Spirituality is the Program. I got spiritually bankrupt. Now I'm working on getting it back. The wall between God and me has been knocked down though! And I'm so glad. I have let God back in because I cannot do this without Him. God either is all, of He is nothing. Half-measures avail us nothing. I cannot choose when I want God involved, He is, or He isn't. There is no in between at all! I just cannot let myself forget that again... But I can recover from my slip in my Program. Yeah. It's all gravy, baby. I'm okay.

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yay [Sunday 15 Oct 2006|08:32pm]
[ mood | excited ]

So I'm supposed to be going to the Trick or Freak concert, the Buckcherry one... My bumpy is supposed to be getting ticket so we can go together... Matthew and I always have an awesome time at concerts... A concert experience with Matthew is absolutely unforgettable... Our first date (and pretty much ONLY date, heh) was at a concert... And Type O Negative at that...
Yeah and I'm downloading George Michael on Steve's computer... LOL... I'm sure he's going to love having that on his computer... :)
And I'm downloading Queen as well... I think that George Michael and Freddie Mercury have totally, absolutely SEXXXY voices... Why is it that the queers always sound hot??? :)
Yeah... And I'm also trying to download Teknowhore (Bile) because I haven't heard that song in a long time... The program I use to download songs at my daddy's house is Soulseek/360 Share and like, once a song is connected I get them in like, two seconds... well a little bit longer, but sometimes like only 45 seconds to one minute... but the selection is quite limited. I can't find a lot of the shit I want, metal that not too many people I know have even heard of... I have been trying to find Pissing Razors everywhere... I can't get them on SoulSeek, and I can't even find them in any CD stores... But I found a few songs on Steve's program, which is called Ares I think... On Steve's program, I can find almost anything in the whole world which is bad ass... But sometimes (a lot of the time) I can't get connected to the other person... Woo hoo... I got both my Bile and my Queen song!!! Schweet...
Yeah-yay!!!

3 skars|slash me

Hello You. [Sunday 15 Oct 2006|06:20pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

hi.... how goes it??? i'm at steve's apartment right now. i fucked up again and didn't go to work and of course my dumb ass doesn't call in because i'm too chicken...
so i have probably lost my job already... and that really sucks because i actually like this job and i really like most of the people that i work with. if i wasn't so screwed up and could keep a job... be reliable and all that stuff that normal people have to do everyday. i would probably keep this job for a long time, like throughout me going to college and all that... but no... i don't know how to grow up. i still act like i'm a teenager... i don't wanna have to act like an adult. it doesn't seem like fun to me... i really have to start changing but i don't really know where to begin... i have been a screw up for so many years that it is what i'm used to... and change is a process... a slow process. i really have to start praying more and asking for guidance so i can get back on the right track. i was doing so damn well, like the best i'd ever done since i started doing smack. i have to get that back, but i'm at a loss and it sucks... i'm hurting badly because i've lost everything i worked so hard to gain but yet, i still can't do anything about it. i don't know... i just pray that i don't lose any more than i already have cuz if i do i'm going to go into a major, major depression and once i fall into one of those states, it seems like it is impossible to crawl my way back out... so yeah. i don't know what to do but whatever it is, i need to do it, and do it as fast as i can.
i don't wanna be rude so i'm going to get off of the computer so i can spend some time with steve... but uhh, yeah... please anyone who reads this, keep me in your prayers and hope that i can get myself back on the right track... i just hope i can do this before it is too late... i really do...
buh-bye.

mistress rix

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