NymPhaTic LoaD (deathlustr) wrote,
NymPhaTic LoaD
deathlustr

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Hay-low.... How goes it??? I'm all right I guess... This morning Vera woke me up because I had to go on a retard ride to take Gigi to school and then Vera actually took me out to breakfast... That was cool of her. Chocolate chip pancakes. Yummy. Then I went back to bed when I got home for a long while... I totally wish that I hadn't been sleeping though because Micah had called and when I finally spoke with him he said he was waiting at the McDonald's right by my house for forty-five minutes waiting for me to call him back. :( He told me that he wanted to take me to his cabin/cottage today... Yay... And I cannot believe I missed the opportunity to spend the day all alone with him!!!! That sucks a lot... And he said he's going to have his daughter all weekend...
Well, I called Walgreen's today... I had like, five no call no shows. But I thought I had to call Mr. Matthews and at least explain my absence. And I told him that I really valued the job and I liked it. So even though I was technically terminated, he's going to give me another shot. The problem wasn't me missing days, it was the lack of communication. So I have to give him some kind of proof I really went to the hospital so I hope that my half-ass doctor's note will work... I don't have to go in until Friday. So that's cool and since he had made the next schedule without me, he said he'll have to add me in and I won't have that many hours, which is cool because I haven't worked in over a year... So jumping in working eight hour days, and in a row was a little too much for me... So yeah this is awesome... I really do want this job. But I did tell him that if other people call in to call me because I only live one.point.three miles from Walgreen's. I can walk there in probably twenty minutes.
I'm at my Daddy's right now... I made another c.d. and I'm downloading some Sublime and Grateful Dead and I'm trying to download Phil Collins but I cannot get any to connect. :( Yay... Sublime rocks... I can't get this program to give me any George Michael either. Oh well... So yeah... Today has been okay... I got my job back, I got to see my dad, I made an amends to my house manager... The only crap thing is my case manager... I really am only allowed two hours of unsupervised time each day. And I have to let the staff know where I'm going, who I'm going with and what times... That's stuff I wouldn't even be able to be sure of before it happens... It's the dumbest rule... My case manager needs to start being realistic... The point of the program is to help the consumers become independent and he's making me less independent by taking away my freedom. I don't understand why I can't do what all the other clients do, which is they are able to leave whenever they want for however long they want as long as they are home by their curfews. They don't have to alert anyone about where they are going. Stupid stupid stupid. I'm trying be grateful for the positives of the program, but those are becoming slim. I have a roof over my head, which I'm grateful for, I can talk to the staff, they are interactive with the clients and I can talk to them about my "issues" a lot of the time. They SOMETIMES provide transportation. Yeah. I don't know.
I'm really bad about following rules I find retarded. It's going to be really difficult for me to abide by this two hour bullshit. What can you do in two hours? Not a damn thing! I need more time just to go to meetings and try to start learning how to live by hanging out with people in the good Program (AA). So if I want to attend an A.A. meeting say, at lunch time then I wouldn't be able to go out to dinner with someone later. It is going to be impossible for me to do all the things I need to do to be successful. Rob really needs to sit down with me and actually HEAR what I'm saying to him. He needs to realize that I'm not trying to pull one over on him just to get more free time. I just want to start living life like a normal person. And I really think that he should let me do what I gotta do as long as I'm home by curfew, do my chores, keep my room clean and drop clean. Give me a chance to be independent. Seriously. I don't think that I'm being irrational or asking too much at all! Ahh well.
I was supposed to have plans with Matthew today but he didn't call me until like, three p.m. We were supposed to get together to have a "serious conversation" about our future. He told me the day we hung out that he was still in love with me and that he wanted to be with me and I kinda feel the same way... I really do still love him. Hanging out with him the other day was just like how it used to be when we first fell in love. What Matthew and I have together is so irreplacable an special. I think that very very few couples will ever experience the amazing, true, unconditional love that Matt and I share. He is my soulmate... Many people never ever get the opportunity to meet their soulmates and I've shared six years of my life with him. :) We both want to be together, we just both want to be sure that we won't get our hearts broken again. But yeah, anyway. He wants to speak in person about this so we were supposed to do that today. Last night when Steve, Matthew, Stripper Bitch and I were together, it was very awkward and uncomfortable. S.B. told Matthew that he better kiss her in front of me. That was so hard to see. There was extreme jealousy flying around, it was heavy in the air. It sucked, it hurt. I don't wanna see him with some girl and he doesn't want to see me with some guy cuz Steve kept trying to comfort me through my distress by touching me in front of Matthew which only made my distress worse. Yeah. I don't know what to do but him seeing that slut every single day really hurts me. She's ALWAYS around him. If Matt and I were to get back together I would not be able to handle him continuing to see her. He has feelings for her and she is like, obsessed with him. And now I find out that they have been "making out" but he says that is it... but I don't know! I know Matt wouldn't tell me if it were more because he doesn't want to hurt me but... ugh... I don't know, man. I have to give this situation to God because I don't know what to do. I just don't want to be hurting emotionally. I don't need that shit right now. Matt'll be with whomever he wants to be with. So if it's me, then it's me. If he does choose her over me, then you know what, that is totally fine because she really is a piece of shit whore. And I'm not just saying that because I'm jealous but all the things he's told me about her really make me sick, and obviously Matthew has completely shitty self-esteem if he doesn't realize he is way too good for her and that he can have almost any girl that he wants. And then I have my crush on Micah. I'm so confused when it comes to men right now. I just don't know what is the best thing for me to do. I really have to pray on it. I just hope God'll give me some sort of way to know what I should do.
Should I try to rekindle an old flame?? That if it were relit, it would burn so fucking brightly it'd be blinding.
Should I attempt to start a new relationship? Where there are no bad experiences, no resentments, no using together? I just don't know if this guy wants to be something real with me.
Help me!!! I just want to make the right decision for myself and I don't want to hurt anybody.
God, help me to do the next right thing. Take my will and my life, show me how to live. Guide me in my Recovery, remove the obsession to use drugs from me today. Grant me strength, courage, honesty, love, and patience. Fill me with Your Spirit and help me to better do Your will. Amen

I'll be all right. I think I can do this. Just don't pick up, no matter what. I need to start attending meetings as much as I can, every day if possible. Junkie-Ricki is a really really bad junkie, so I have to do the exact opposite to stay sober. I have to hold on to the Program of AA like it is a fix. If I shot dope every day, I need to do something Recovery related every day. Or I'll never make it. And I've learned also that if I shut out God, I have absolutely NO chance of staying sober. Spirituality is the Program. I got spiritually bankrupt. Now I'm working on getting it back. The wall between God and me has been knocked down though! And I'm so glad. I have let God back in because I cannot do this without Him. God either is all, of He is nothing. Half-measures avail us nothing. I cannot choose when I want God involved, He is, or He isn't. There is no in between at all! I just cannot let myself forget that again... But I can recover from my slip in my Program. Yeah. It's all gravy, baby. I'm okay.
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