NymPhaTic LoaD (deathlustr) wrote,
NymPhaTic LoaD

We both want, to rape you

Steve just asked me what that means... in the song Opiate by Tool, he says:
My God's Will
Becomes me
When He speaks
He speaks through me
He has needs
Like I do
We both want to rape you

I am not sure what Maynard means by that either, so if anyone could enlighten me, I sure would appreciate it.
And dude, why is it still so difficult to download my Phil Collins???? :(
Okay. I screw up my job last week and I convince Mr. Matthews to give me a chance... And I did well for three days... On time. And I was supposed to be at work today at three p.m. And I was to work until close. I never showed up and of course I didn't call. I suck. And I'm supposed to be at work tomorrow at eight a.m. (that is if I still have a job after this no-call no-show... And it's six a.m. and I'm still awake. So ninety-nine percent chance I'm not going to work. I screwed up so badly this weekend... On Saturday I did a bundle of dope (12) and on Sunday I did ten packs... So I'm now dope-sick.
(dude, none of the songs I'm attempting to download are coming through-- sucky)
Yeah... So once you get to the point of being dopesick, it's almost impossible to just stop. I have Suboxone (thank God!) but still, it's hard to pop Suboxone if you think there is the slightest chance you'll be able to hit the hood. I'm losing everything and so fast, it's like I never stopped using in the first place, like the sixty days I had sober meant nothing... I'm so pissed at myself for letting it go this far. I honestly never thought that I would have to know what dopesick felt like again. And it hasn't changed, it is still the most horrid feeling in the world! My house manager said I can't be at the house "like this"... So I don't know if I'm going to lose my place to live, cuz I would have absolutely NO WHERE to go! I've screwed up the first job I really liked. I had to tell my father I fucked up, and that was hard, but he was totally there for me and he didn't turn his back on me and tell me he no longer wanted to speak to me. I had to admit to everyone in the A.A. Program I screwed up and that was humiliating... My case manager is being a total dick about it... But I haven't been told of any consequences yet (not like I'd abide by them anyway, but still). So I've been continuing to leave whenever I want and such, and since they haven't changed my PCP at all yet, I should technically be in by ten p.m. But I'm not in at all tonight. I admitted to Micah that I relapsed today... and that didn't go well at all. He said, "I don't even know what to say" and we just ended the conversation. I couldn't tell if he was disappointed in me, mad at me, or what... He said, "So what are you just going to move out and keep using?" And of course I said, "NO"... So I don't know if he is going to talk with me anymore and that sucks, so that is one major consequence of my relapse. I lose the guy that I have had a major crush on for over a year... And just finally when things are starting to go somewhere with him, I screw it up!!! We were making out and stuff and he invited me to his cabin, and now he hates me... Boo boo... I've been regretting telling him but I have to continue to tell myself that this is an honest Program and I have to be honest with everyone. And that included telling Micah I used... Yeah... If I had really wanted to be with Micah that badly, I would have not used at all. But I put using before anything and anybody... I stopped working my Program... And I'm such a HUGE HORRIBLE NASTY PIECE OF SHIT when I'm a strung-out, using junkie. So I have to work really hard at my Program... People say that if you just put like, fifty percent as much into Recovery as you did into your addiction, you'll easily stay sober... but that is so not true for me... I have to put just as much, if not more into my Recovery to stay sober because I was that bad of a junkie... I was unbelievably bad... Matthew told me that I was the worst junkie he's ever seen, and he's seen some pretty fucked up junkies... So I have to have Recovery/sobriety on the mind just as much as I had shooting dope on my mind... Yeah... But I think I can get it back but I need to get sober... And then I know that I can stay sober. So tomorrow (or in like, three hours actually) I'm going to try to call PACE and see if they'll do anything at all for me... and it's pretty likely that they'll say no fucking way girl... I've been through PACE like, a million times and I can't say that I've ever completed any program they've put me in... Now that might not be true, but I can't recall... And they are only supposed to fund people once a year. And I have heard that if you do not complete the program they put you in that they'll never fund you again, I've had friends of mine say that they had to sign a paper saying that. But I know that I've never signed a paper like that... But the last time I went through them was in February I think so who knows... I really hope that they'll at least be able to put me into a detox program for five days... Since I screwed off my job I figure rehab is the best thing for me, maybe even imperative to my sobriety... I didn't go to rehab this last time, I just detoxed at the house on Suboxone and that didn't last... Maybe I need that shit pounded in my head every day all day for 28 days again... I haven't forgotten it, but maybe I just need to hear it again, or just do the whole rehab scene again... It'll show willingness and commitment if I first of all, go to rehab, and second, if I'm able to complete the entire program... not leave a night early because I know I'm supposed to be discharged to next morning and what is spending one more night there... Hah...
God, please help me to get into treatment... Please help me save my life... Grant me willingness and honesty.. Relieve me of the obsession to use drugs. Please keep me clean and sober just for today... Please please, let this work out so I can get sober again... Once I get sober I will be able to stay sober, I know it. I just have to be able to get through the first two weeks and I'll be okay! Lord, guide me through this. Relieve me of the bondage of self, so I may better do Thy will. Take my will and my life and guide me in my Recovery, show me how to live a sober life... Help me to practice spiritual principles in all my affairs. Help me to get outside of myself and do Your will. Relieve me of self-centeredness. Help me to not be selfish and be able to accept it when things do not go my way. Help me to get back on the right path and help me to do the next right thing, Lord. Amen.

If I can't go through PACE, I'm going to try the dreaded Common Ground... One or the other just has to help me so I can save my life!!!! Please everyone pray for me that I can get sober... Please.... I don't wanna die. I wanna live.
Thy will be done
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