NymPhaTic LoaD (deathlustr) wrote,
NymPhaTic LoaD
deathlustr

well...

So I haven't yet thought of a new screen name for myself... I don't want something stupid like deathlustr again. But I don't want something sappy and happy. I don't know. I have to find something that fits me. And I guess I don't know what kind of stuff/words fit me anymore.
So I guess I will write in this for today. So I attempted to fill out the applications to the jobs that people e-mailed me about because of my online resume and the links were broken, of course. I knew it had to be too good to be true for somebody to actually be interested in my resume.
My therapist told me when I went to see him on Thursday, yesterday, that I need a higher level of care/treatment because what I'm doing with him obviously isn't working. I'm backsliding I think he said. Not getting any better. And he should've either gotten me a higher level of care, or kicked me out of therapy a few months ago. But he didn't want to, he was giving me a chance to change and I blew it like I always do. PACE wouldn't do anything for me, big surprise. So I called up SEMCA (Wayne county's funding source) and they'll fund me to go to Sacred Heart for like, 21 days. I only have a co-pay of $1 per day and that ain't bad at all. I found out that they do not have an opening until Tuesday so I gotta wait. I'm scared, I don't wanna go but on the other hand I kinda do... I wish I could go today though... Things at the house aren't getting any better, once again I'm getting threats that they are going to move me to Southfield, to the licensed (::shudder::) home... I do not want to move any farther from my parents house and my sponsor and the few meetings that I actually don't mind attending.
I went to the Auto Show with my father on Wednesday and in the food court, the Army had a thing set up, people could climb a wall. Well, I didn't want to climb the wall but I did speak to a recruiter. A few years ago I was considering joining the Reserves because I thought it'd be the only way I could get myself to stay sober. I chickened out because they said I would have to do three months of boot camp and three months of job training. I couldn't fathom being gone from my parents and my love (Matthew at the time) for six months straight.
But now, I don't have any reason to stay around... I have nobody. Matthew, when I really know that I'm deeply in love with him, don't want me at all... He really wants the girl with herpes more... That is hurting me so badly... He claims to still want a friendship but it's so hard to be his friend because I want more and then he's blowing me off a lot to spend time with her... I cannot be his friend if he is seeing/dating/fucking someone other than me... It hurts me way too badly... He's breaking me heart, killing me. :( And I can't take it anymore...
My family doesn't want me to come home as much as I know it would benefit me and benefit them... I know I'd stay sober if they would just give me one chance... I can't take living in this SIP home much longer. I'm miserable, I hate it. And it is so difficult to try to accomplish the things I need to to get the hell out of here... I have transportation issues, access issues, my case manager doesn't help me do the things I ask/need his help with. I can't seem to find any kind of employment. Everywhere that I apply doesn't call me back, even for an interview... I have no source of income and that's getting hard as hell. I can't even afford cigarettes and I can't even imagine trying to quit that as well right now. I'm so stressed... I know this entry just sounds like a lot of bitching, whining, and complaining but it is just factual. I don't really think I'm "wallowing in self-pity" even though that is everyone else's opinion... I'm just telling it like it is. And it is shitty. I know, I know, I did this to myself and I have to take responsibilty for my own actions and believe me, I do... I don't make excuses or attempt to rationalize my behaviors. But I'm stuck in a rut, it's a vicious cycle and I cannot claw my way back out of this hole.
So I am online practicing the test the Army people give you to see if you first, are intelligent enough to qualify, and second, to see where you place and how much money they will offer you... The better you do on the test the more money they give you... I guess the average is around $15,000 for people that do pretty well on the test... It is a lot more difficult than I imagines, it's been a long ass time since I've been in school and my brain is slowly becoming mush. I have forgotten a lot of shit I learned and I'm no where near as intelligent as I once was. And that is a shitty realization in itself... I have always prided myself on my intelligence and to realize that it is slowly dissipating is extremely depressing... But oh well... I really wanted to start attending college this semester but I couldn't get financial aid in time... So I'm not learning anything. The one thing I wanted to do that I thought would give me enough of a sense of purpose to change and to stop shooting dope fell through. So I am still doing nothing with my life and my quality of life is very poor and I cannot accept that anymore. It is breaking my heart and all will, desire, hope, faith, blah blah blah, etc. is gone...
So hey, why not? Join the Army... You've got nothing to lose Rix... It'll get me money money money (which I'll never get any other way), pay for my college, make me feel good about myself, give me a sense of purpose, get in shape, learn a trade, etc etc... I can only think of good things about it... Yeah I think boot camp would be extremely tough for someone like me, but I could do it I think... Yeah, I don't want to have to eat beans everyday and break my body doing whatever it is that you do there... I should give it a shot... And it'll give me a sense of responsibility that I have no choice but to commit myself to... Once I sign the papers, there is no turning back... It's a responsibility that makes it absolutely unable for me to quit... Or I go to prison, right???
Hopefully I can qualify... I have to be able to pass a drug test, and it's not only a urine, but a blood test as well and drugs stay in your system a lot longer that way and I'm not sure how long that is at all... If I pass the drug test I'm good... He said my one petty misdemeanor would not disqualify me... I have heard though that if I am on any kind of psychiatric medication than I'm disqualified... And I heard that because of my psychiatric hospitalizations and my numerous stays in rehab I may be disqualified there as well but I heard that they are not as picky about people anymore because of Iraq, so hopefully I'll be able to find a loophole or something, get around it... I really hope so, pray for me... This is what is necessary for me to do... I gotta do it. I really gotta....
peace
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